


A Really Really Really Cool Date With the Shopkeeper

by C-chan (1001paperboxes)



Category: Monster Prom (Visual Novel)
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, Gen, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-23
Updated: 2019-12-23
Packaged: 2021-02-26 04:28:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,376
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21917584
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/1001paperboxes/pseuds/C-chan
Summary: A coupon for One Really Really Really Cool Date With the Shopkeeper?Well, that's new."No refunds."Oh, you wouldn't dream of it.Or, an alternative Monster Prom path in which you prepare for a really, really, really cool date with the shopkeeper.
Relationships: Valerie Oberlin/You
Comments: 5
Kudos: 18
Collections: Yuletide 2019





	A Really Really Really Cool Date With the Shopkeeper

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Elemental](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elemental/gifts).



"Hey, stranger."

A coupon for One Really Really Really Cool Date With the Shopkeeper? 

Well, that's new.

You waste no time making your purchase, and see Valerie grin as you do.

"No refunds."

Oh, you wouldn't dream of it.

* * *

You are walking down the hall when it hits you: you've got nothing to wear on a really, really, really cool date.

You think about running back to the school store to see if Valerie has some appropriate digs, but then you realize that you really don't want to look that stupid and ignorant in front of your future date-mate, and so you rush to the mall instead.

After all, who needs classes when there's a social function to prepare for?

Apparently, Miranda and Calculester feel similar, because they're also at the mall when you arrive.

Although, come to think of it, you weren't aware that Calculester could even leave campus.

"Query received. At present, my battery's charge will last for approximately 5.73 hours of moderate CPU usage, and I carry both an extra battery and a plug with me at all times in case of emergency. 

"Perhaps you could help me change power supplies later. It is a very intimate procedure."

You apologise, but tell him you can't. You've got a really, really, really cool date to prepare for, after all!

"Oooh! How romantic! I tend to prefer grandiose soirées and elaborate balls myself, but I expect that peasants can't truly appreciate the quality of a good event."

For that matter, why is Miranda at a mall? Isn't that below her station?

"My mall-shopping serf was assassinated by the air people last week, so I'm in the market for a new one."

Ah. Well, that clears up everything, doesn't it?

But while they're here, you may as well get them to help you with your predicament. After all, what does one even wear on a really, really, really cool date?

"Searching 'really really really cool date fashion'. The top results vary widely, but seem to include such features as a jacket, shoes, and sunglasses."

"That can't be right. None of that is the least befitting of an evening event. Clearly you need a capelet, and slippers made of the finest silks or precious gems. And sunglasses were clearly an invention of the air people, so I shouldn't have to tell you why they're a no-go at any event worth attending..."

You are spared a full explanation of merfolk formal wear by a siren flashing on Calculester's… 

Monitor? Face? What do you even call that thing? 

Face-Monitor. Good save.

"Warning! Four people have been turned to stone within this vicinity. Five. Seven. Ten. Number steadily and rapidly increasing. Suggest moving to a safer location immediately."

Indeed, you see a cluster of people frozen in place, turned to statues in the middle of their shopping activities. Some are clutching bags, others are talking to each other. One has a french fry halfway to their mouth, where it will stay for eternity. Other mall-goers seem to have noticed as well, and are beginning to flee from the scene.

This, of course, only makes Miranda sigh.

"So many potential shopping serfs gone in an instant. Oh well. I suppose I'll have to go hunting for replacements another day."

In the rush to get out, you manage to find a bag that one of the now-statues had dropped. And inside are some pretty sweet digs if you do say so yourself. So score **+2 charm** for your fashionable life choices, and **+1 boldness** for your questionable petty theft.

Nice!

* * *

It doesn’t take long before another thought hits you: what does one do on a really, really, really cool date?

I mean, you've been on a cool date before. And even a really really cool date. But a really, really, really cool date? That's uncharted territory.

Good thing you’ve got some friends to help you figure out how to have the ultimate good time.

“Drugs!”

Count on Polly to come out of the gate swinging.

“Oh, swinging is also a good idea, but then it’s not so much of a date as halfway to an orgy. Unless you mean with actual swings, in which case, trust me, the experience is better when you’re suuuuuuuuper high.”

“Yeah! I once swung so high, I almost went over the top of the swing set!”

Count on sweet, innocent Scott to miss the point entirely.

“Hah. You guys are lame. Where’s the fire? Where’s the blood sports? I mean, is it even a good time if someone doesn’t almost get maimed?”

Polly looks intrigued at Damien’s suggestions, but Scott seems less certain.

“I don’t know, Damien. I mean, yeah, when I’m with the pack sometimes we play a little rough and one of us gets hurt, but I think it’s much more fun when we eat pizza together. Then all the blood is tomato sauce, and all the broken bones are breadsticks!”

You’re about to agree that pizza does sound like the ultimate date food when Polly brandishes a list from her pocket.

Wait. Do ghosts even have pockets? You’ll have to ask her about how that works later.

“Look. I take my job as Spooky High’s resident party ghost very seriously. And that means always having the pulse on what the hottest and coolest things to do are at any given moment.”

You remind her that she has no pulse, but she remains unphased.

“At any rate, the number one you need to make any date cool is rum and coke. Also, cocaine.”

“No it’s not. It’s TNT.”

“A squeaky toy!”

“Inventing your own drug!”

“Flamethrowers!”

“TWO squeaky toys!!!”

As the three continue arguing about the ultimate party necessity, you find yourself being distracted by a sudden loud noise.

Come to think of it, did that wall always have so many bullet holes in it?

Judging by Scott’s barking and Damien’s cries of “HELL YEAH!” you’re going to say no.

Your discussion is cut short as Scott runs yelping away from the loud noise, Damien brandishes a semi-automatic of his own, and Polly peaces out to the safety of her own ghost dimension, but at least she gives you a copy of her list before she disappears.

Drugs, rum and coke, and cocaine are all, indeed, on there. As well as… 

Oh my.

Just reading the list gives you **+2 fun** and **+1 creativity**. Just imagine what the stat boost will be when you actually put any of these into action!

* * *

Now you've got your wardrobe covered and activities planned. But where does one even go on a really, really, really cool date? 

And in retrospect, shouldn't you have decided this first? After all, a lot of activities are rather venue-specific. And while technically you can do anything on Polly's Top Ten Things To Do On The Coolest Date EVAR!!!!!! absolutely anywhere, most of them are better done in the privacy of your own home. Or maybe a very open-minded club. And you’d wear rather different clothing at home than you would to any club that Polly is likely to recommend. 

Nevertheless, everyone knows that purple-skinned entities have the best idea of where to find the coolest venues, and that’s why you end up asking Liam and Zoe for help.

“I find the very nature of that assumption entirely racist.” 

“Me too. It’s not like Liam chose for his skin to be purple.”

“And after all, why would I know what is cool? The very nanosecond anything becomes cool is the moment it loses all intrinsic value. Unless it’s a pop-up nightclub in Antarctica, of course. Incidentally, that’s the only Club Penguin that has ever been worth checking out.”

“And the best places I know for a good time are multidimensional portals that are likely to literally turn your skin inside out and make you incapable of remembering any word that contains the letter E.”

Okay. Maybe it’s best for you to rephrase the question.

What is the best place to go on a date that is safe for two mortal beings to attend, and preferably exists within an hour or two of Spooky High by car?

“Nowhere.”

Good to know Liam is as full of cheer as always, right?

“No really. WIthin that limitation, the best you could do is create your own club. A club so exclusive, only the two of you know about it.”

Something about that must spark inspiration in Zoe, because what passes as her skin becomes a shade of sky magenta.

“Oh! I've got it! Do you know how many pieces of teen cultural media treat prom as some sort of right of passage? I realize most of our classmates are in their twenties, and Liam’s over four hundred, and I’m a being that exists outside of the knowledge of space or time, but still! Why not use that to your advantage? At best, you have the time of your life and hit at least twelve awesome tropes along the way! And at worst, you’ll still win the game, right?”

Oooh. Meta.

“I mean, that’s how you unlocked me….”

Okay, let’s stop there before you break the narrative too hard.

But come to think of it, inviting Valerie to prom might be just the thing to make your really, really, really cool date… the coolest.

You set out to ask Valerie if she accepts your choice of venue, when something hard and blunt hits you upside the head.

As your world fades to black, you can’t help but be thankful that you finally got some good advice from your friends. Take **+2 creativity** , **+1 smarts** , and the knowledge that you’ll probably be very sore in the morning.

* * *

You wake up with a splitting headache and… not much else.

As in, you can't move the rest of your body.

As in, you're pretty sure you're tied to a chair. Also gagged. Well, that's new.

Something slaps your face, and you open your eyes.

Vera stands in front of you, with a look of absolute contempt upon her face.

"I thought you to be one of the four most interesting people on campus, but now I know the truth. You're actually one of the four most depraved. What do you have to say for yourself?"

You try to explain to her that you have no idea what's going on, and ask her whether you should take the first part of that sentence as a compliment, but then you remember that speaking through gags generally doesn't work so well.

Vera, however, cocks a grin.

And a gun. She also cocks one of those.

"Well, if that's all you have to say, it's time that I pass judgement on your sins."

Wait, what? Is that it? Is this the end of your prom-going adventures at Spooky High once and for all?

Not much you can do at any rate. Best to close your eyes, take in a deep breath, and prepare for the inevitable.

You're about halfway through the inhale when you hear a door crash open. 

Geez. Can't anyone be murdered in peace these days?

"What do you think you're doing?"

You open your eyes to see Valerie standing between you and her sister, arms spread to shield you from Vera's wrath.

Vera lunges forward, as if to move her sister away. 

"Protecting you, of course."

"From going on a date?"

"From being bought."

Somehow, that response gets a laugh from Valerie.

"Is that what this is all about?"

"Of course! I saw them purchase a date with you in that shop. Like some sort of high school slave trade. No Oberlin could let that stand!"

"Except that I put it there for them!"

That, finally, gets Vera to stop in her tracks.

"You what?"

Valerie grins.

"You heard me. I put that date coupon there just for them."

Even Vera's snakes look shocked. They turn to Valerie in unison.

"But… but why?"

"Because I'm just as much an adult as you, and can decide how I want to spend my time. Not to mention, they got their first date with me by buying nothing at all, and their second date by my giving them stuff for free, so I figured it was time I got something from the deal."

"Oh."

Vera has the decency to look chagrined as she falls back into her throne-like red leather armchair.

"So they really weren't taking advantage of you?"

"Not in the least."

"And no-one was trying to buy you with any amount of reluctance?"

Valerie shook her head.

"Look, sis. I know that you worry about me, and I'm glad that you've got my back. But all I wanted to do was to go have a good time. Maybe even the coolest date ever. I mean, I promised as much, right?"

Well, actually you were promised a really, really, really cool date, but at this point, you're not going to argue. Also, the gag still makes it very hard to talk.

Vera sighs.

"Well, I suppose if it's completely consensual, then I've got no problem with you making a bit of a profit on it on the side. Feel free to let them go, and have a good time."

She stands, and for one moment, you think she's going to leave, but instead she cocks her gun once again, and gets very much into your personal space.

"But know this. If you even once think about breaking my sister's heart, you will find your way back here, and it will not be pretty."

And with that, she turns on her heels and heads out the door.

* * *

Perhaps your date did not begin as you had intended, but you and Valerie find lots of ways to make it great anyway. You go bowling, and parasailing, and even try items seven through nine on Polly's Top Ten Things To Do On The Coolest Date EVAR!!!!!!. You even find time to attend Monster Prom, or at least make a brief appearance.

And you know what? It really does end up being a really, really, really cool date.

Maybe, sometime, you'll just have to do it again.

But in the meantime, well, you don't want to leave Valerie waiting in the middle of #4, now, do you?


End file.
